đźš©Tactical Memo 022: Seek to Understand First
Justin Bateh
October 26, 2025
Read time: 9 minutes
Welcome to Tactical Memo, my newsletter where I share frameworks, strategies, and hard-earned lessons for leaders navigating complex environments.
If you’re looking for my cheat sheets and deep-dive guides, the vault is linked at the bottom of this email.
👉 Why Read This Edition: You will learn how to use emotional intelligence to lead projects with precision, influence high-stakes conversations, and turn tension into alignment instead of resistance.
The Briefing: Today’s Focus
Why Most Project Leaders Misuse Emotional Intelligence
The Rule: Seek to Understand Before You Try to Convince
A Tactical Playbook: Emotional Intelligence for Project Leaders
What’s Happening: General Updates
A Reader’s Question: How to Handle Stakeholders Who Get Defensive
Why Most Project Leaders Misuse Emotional Intelligence
You have probably been told to “show empathy” and “listen actively.”
The problem is that most leaders interpret that as “avoid conflict” or “make everyone feel good.”
That is not leadership. That is emotional comfort management.
Real emotional intelligence is not about being soft. It is about being situationally sharp.
It is about reading the room faster than anyone else and adjusting your approach before the meeting goes sideways.
When you seek to understand first, you do not lose authority. You gain leverage.
The Rule: Seek to Understand Before You Try to Convince
Every stalled project, tense review, or tough stakeholder meeting breaks down for one reason.
Someone tried to be understood before they understood the other person’s agenda.
Influence follows clarity.
Once you understand what people actually care about, you can align your message with their incentives and move them without forcing them.
Understanding first is not submission. It is strategy.
A Tactical Playbook: Emotional Intelligence for Project Leaders
Step 1. Start Every Stakeholder Conversation With Curiosity
Before you pitch, ask.
Before you justify, explore.
When a stakeholder pushes back, ask:
“Can you walk me through what success looks like from your side?”
“What would make this project valuable for your team?”
“What are you worried this might impact?”
Write their answers down. You are mapping influence, not collecting feelings.
Once you know what matters to them, you can frame your proposal in their language.
Implementation move:
At the start of any major meeting, list the top three stakeholders and what drives them.
Power, speed, visibility, or control. Tailor your words accordingly.
Step 2. Read What People Do, Not What They Say
Emotional intelligence is pattern recognition.
People reveal truth through tone, pace, and posture long before they reveal it through words.
When you feel tension rising in a meeting, do not respond with logic. Name the dynamic.
Say, “It feels like there is hesitation here. What is behind that?”
You pull emotion into daylight, and the power imbalance resets instantly.
Implementation move:
After every key meeting, write a 2-minute reflection:
Who resisted the most?
What emotion drove it?
What changed when I stopped talking?
Patterns emerge fast when you start observing, not reacting.
Step 3. Control the Temperature
High-stakes projects create emotion. You cannot remove it, but you can regulate it.
When people get defensive, slow your pace, drop your tone, and lower volume. Your calm becomes the dominant signal.
When energy drops or meetings stall, lift it with curiosity. Ask a specific question that invites engagement:
“What do you need from me to make this easier to deliver?”
“Where are we stuck?”
Implementation move:
Treat emotional temperature as a data point, not a distraction.
You are responsible for the conditions that produce clarity, not comfort.
Step 4. Frame Feedback as Alignment, Not Judgment
People resist feedback when they think it is about ego or competence.
They accept it when it sounds like collaboration.
Say, “Here is what I am seeing, and here is how we can tighten it.”
Or, “I think we are solving the right problem the wrong way. Can we explore another path?”
That small shift in language moves people from defense to dialogue.
Implementation move:
When giving project feedback, replace “you” statements with “we” or “this.”
Example: “We are missing the link between outcomes and data” instead of “You forgot the data.”
Step 5. Use the 70-30 Rule in High-Pressure Conversations
You talk for 30 percent. You listen for 70.
When you hit your 30 percent, stop. Let silence do the work.
People fill silence with what they really think. That is where the truth sits.
Implementation move:
In your next tense conversation, count three seconds of silence before responding.
You will be shocked how often people reveal the real blocker when you simply wait.
What’s Happening
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The Briefing: Reader’s Question
Q: “One of my senior stakeholders gets defensive every time I challenge their decision. I end up backing down to keep the peace, but it hurts the project. How do I push back without creating conflict?”
A: You do not fix defensiveness with logic. You fix it with framing.
Here is how I handle this:
Pre-frame the intent. Say, “I want to make sure I understand your thinking before I respond.” That lowers the threat level immediately.
Mirror their perspective. Summarize what they said in your own words. Example: “So your concern is that this timeline adds risk for your department.”
Ask permission to add your view. “Would you be open to another angle?” This keeps control without triggering ego.
Offer facts, not feelings. “Here’s what we are seeing from data and project metrics.” Stay neutral.
End with a choice. “We can keep this path, or we can adjust the timeline. Which feels smarter to you?”
You are not giving up control. You are changing the tone of the battle.
Once people feel understood, they stop defending and start deciding.
Cheat Sheet Vault
p.s… As promised, click below for my free cheat sheet and infographic vault.
Until next time,
Justin
✍️ From the Desk of Justin Bateh, PhD
Real-world tactics. No fluff. Just what works.
